Helping Survivors Manage

How nice would it be if, when your mom, dad or partner died, your employer gave you this book to help you? For me, as an employee or an employer, that would create a whole new dynamic to the working relationship – a better one – even if it was good already.

In the past six months, I have seen increased interest from HR personnel regarding the book/toolkit. As an employer or an employee, Begin Here would be a great resource for your Employee Assistance Program (EAP). If you or someone you know is interested in learning more, have them contact me at kat [at] HelpingSurvivorsManage.com.

The first exposure to an EAP for me was in 1984 when I worked for Eastman Kodak Processing Plant in Palo Alto, California. I was hired right out of high school (moved from Illinois) as an inspector, to check the quality of photographs processed through the plant. It was a fun job (and educational – to say the least – to this naïve Midwestern 18 year old girl) and it was my first learning experience working for a large company. Kodak had great benefits, and one benefit was the EAP which focused on the employee’s whole health, including mental, familial and personal. I remember most hearing “if you or someone in your family has a substance abuse problem, the EAP can help” and I was thrilled to know that employers actually cared about the well being of a person and their family, not just how much the employee can produce for said employer. Employees and their families use EAPs to help manage issues that could negatively affect their work and personal lives. EAP providers typically offer support and if needed, referrals to additional resources. Take advantage of this wonderful benefit, if your company provides it, it can only help.  Peace…

There may be a situation where you may want to express your condolences, but an $80 bouquet of flowers is not in your budget, or it seems impersonal or simply inappropriate to you. If you have a friend, colleague, employee, employer, relative or neighbor that you want to help and express your condolences, this book would be an exceptional way to do so. I continue to hear “I gave your book to my friend, she was so thankful; and now, my neighbor’s mom just died, so I ordered another” something to think about the next time you find out someone in your life is struggling with a loss. There will be a plethora of flowers and plants for the survivor after the funeral, usually too many to keep; the book would give them actual, tangible help that they need during an extremely difficult and numbing time in their life. Peace…

There is no way getting around it, but to get through it. There are thousands of tools to help you and your situation. Search for your circumstances online, and you will find dozens of options to investigate that will help you through the maze.

Books – self-help books have been my rescuer throughout my life, my favorite when my parents died was “Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self” by Victoria Secunda. There are thousands of books available to help you through your grief, my bookshelf is full of them and if you want more recommendations, email me kat@helpingsurvivorsmanage.com.

Therapists – I see many therapists listings who have added “grief and loss” to their repertoire of expertise. Many companies have employment insurance that provides employees three free visits to a therapist. I have a hard time turning down anything that is free (not the best quality to have! ) and therapists are right up there on my list of helpers, all without judgment.

Exercise – believe it or not, therapists and everyone who has a workout regimen will tell you that moving your body will help, even if it is the last thing you want to do. I know when my parents died, it was difficult enough for me to get out of bed, let alone do anything more to move my body, but I know it would have helped me. Walking in place in front of the TV or around the block several times can do wonders for your grieving process.

Support Groups – support groups have evolved throughout the years since “Bill” first implemented the 12-step program for recovering alcoholics (AA). There is one for every language, disease, religion or non-religion, sex, age, location, and anything else you can imagine. If you think you are alone, think again, and look online or ask friends. If there is nothing near you, there are online support groups and many have phone numbers you can call at any hour.

Supplements and/or meds – when I could not get out of my pajamas or stop crying for an entire month after my dad died (which was thirteen months after my mom died) and nothing would help the shroud that was hovering over me giving me insomnia and sleepiness simultaneously, I finally decided to go to the doctor to get “meds”. I knew I would not be on them forever; I just needed to be able to get through the day in real clothes and move on with my grief. I was stuck and sometimes it is ok to take a nudge from pharmaceuticals. I am not an advocate for taking a pill for everything, but after you try naturally for long enough, get help. I was able to discontinue my meds, per my doctor’s instructions, within about a year. Everyone is different. Many people have told me that they have benefited from vitamins and acupuncture, of which I am a staunch advocate.

Whatever works for you, work it. Ask for help, you are not alone, I promise you that. Use the tools that are out there.

It never gets easier, just less difficult. Peace…

Resolutions are good, but be gentle with yourself. My resolutions don’t come to me on certain days (like New Year’s Day), I have quotes all over my office that both inspire me, make me laugh and help me – like most of us – get us through one day, let alone an entire year. Sharing from my brick and mortar walls:

“Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of (wo)men, but from doing something worthwhile.” Sir Wilfred Grenfell

“If I should labor through daylight and dark,
Consecrate, valorous, serious, true,
Then on the world I may blazon my mark;
And what if I don’t, and what if I do?”
Dorothy Parker

“Real communication happens when people feel safe.” Ken Blanchard

“In the end, we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Martin Luther King

“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Be a hard master to yourself – and be lenient to everybody else.” Henry Beecher

“Keep looking, there is always something you missed.”

“A person’s true character is revealed by what (s)he does when no one is watching.”

“The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.” Swedish proverb

“Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“Talent is good, practice is better, passion is best.” Frank Lloyd Wright

Here is to a happy, healthy and prosperous 2011, peace…