Helping Survivors Manage

Recently I have had two very close friends lose a parent. They both asked me, because I have been through it, “what was the toughest part for you?”

Of course every situation is different. For both of them, the parent died at home under Hospice care, which was helpful for one, not so much for the other. As a former Hospice volunteer, I found great comfort in the fact that I was holding my dad’s hand when he died. From my perspective, death is a natural transition. Obviously not when someone is the victim of an accidental, violent or premature death, but when an older parent dies it seems only slightly more tolerable.

What I most encourage is that survivors reach out to friends (those who have been through it), maybe a therapist – depending on the situation, as well as public and private support systems available. The first person I called after my mom died was a close friend whose mom died when she was only 12 years old. I instinctively knew she would know what to say and help me through it, and she did.

On the right side of this website page under Grief Support and Other Helpful Links (and in the book Begin Here: helping survivors manage available for sale on this site) there are several support systems to get you started. These organizations want to help you.

After having thought about this question a great deal, I think the toughest part for me was the absolute impossibility of a future with my parents. Peace.

A best friend since childhood (I will call her Sue) and her sister are facing their mother’s death. Their mom is now under hospice care and is staying with Sue in her home. Last week Sue called me in tears and asked “What do I say? What do I do?” as if anyone has the right answers. As my grandma used to say “everybody’s different” and when dealing with death, everyone’s reaction will be different. Sue is shaken to the core because she is the daughter who talks to her mom every single day, usually three times a day. This was not my experience with my mom. Sue’s dad died many years ago and that was extremely difficult for her as well. I knew the day would come when Sue’s mom would die and have dreaded this for her. I simply joined her in her tears and said “you can do nothing wrong, you can say nothing wrong, and the only thing I suggest  is that you just wholly be there and don’t think about tomorrow, don’t think about next week, just think and be in the present and be with her.” It sounds so insignificant and blasé when I write it.

As a former hospice volunteer, our purpose was to just “be there” for someone, and that was it. My habit was to walk in, introduce myself (whether they were conscious or not) and merely hold their hand. That was it and it was enough. My patients always took a turn up after I visited them; the volunteer coordinator called me an angel because of this. I smirked at the compliment knowing it was a likely way to “keep” a volunteer; after all, a little sugar goes a long way, as Sue says.

For me, Sue’s mom holds a special place in my heart and today I am sending her a thank you card telling her how much she means to me and how much she has meant to me throughout my life. In case you have the desire to do the same with someone in your life who is under hospice care, it will go a little something like this:

Thank you…

-for being such a wonderful mother to my best friend

-for making me laugh hysterically so often

-for being in my life

-for marrying your husband

-for having Sue

-for having (Sue’s sister)

-for being a good example

-for being such a wonderful grandmother

-for making me laugh HYSTERICALLY so often (yes, there is a pattern)

-for being you

-for loving me

I love you…

And that’s it. If you truly care, there is nothing you can say or do wrong to someone is under hospice care. Remember, it is hospice care, typically they know what that means, unless they are incapacitated. Also, if the words don’t come, don’t force them. Words are sometimes unnecessary and if the words don’t come to you, they just don’t and that is okay. Peace…

Kari Berit wrote a fantastic book called The Unexpected Caregiver. She is a speaker, author and caregiving expert. From her website “Kari Berit is changing the paradigm of aging and caregiving. Caring for aging loved ones and the whole aging journey are rarely discussed. Kari Berit is starting the conversation. Join us!”

During the interview, we talked about how important communication is in our familial dynamic when it comes to the difficult topic of death. Please take a listen to the show and also, take some time to find out more about Kari (Kari Berit Presents), she is an amazing woman doing great things for all of us. Thank you, Kari! Peace…

Here is the official Press Release for the second edition of the book. Peace…

Here is the press release that was submitted to PRWeb, in case you do not see it there.

Saint Paul Self-Published Author Continues Helping Survivors After a Death

Need for Definitive Guidebook Exceeds Expectations

March 17, 2011 || Saint Paul, MN: Begin Here: helping survivors manage, the definitive resource on what to do when a loved one dies, enters into its second stage. What began as a personal spreadsheet has become an invaluable tool for others in the same boat. As proof of the need for just such a resource, overwhelming demand has warranted a 2^nd Edition, just released in the first quarter of 2011.

This hands-on workbook guides survivors through the seemingly overwhelming practical and necessary tasks that remain after a death, from residential to financial to personal. Author Kat Reed based the guidebook/toolkit on her own experiences after her mom’s death. Discovering the lack of resources available to help her and her predominantly deaf dad with these tasks, Reed was forced to research and investigate solutions to the practical matters for herself. In turn, she self-published her user-friendly book in 2009 as a way to ease this burden for other survivors.

According to 2008 preliminary data from the Centers for Disease Control, between 1979 and 2008, approximately 6,131 individuals died every single day in the United States. The survivors of these deaths are the foundation of this book. “When someone dies, there are countless organizations around the world that offer grief support, but none that provides the product that we offer,” Reed explains. “Helping Survivors Manage was created on the foundation of most new ventures: a void in the market. We hope to fill that need with our experienced team of subject matter experts (those who have been through it, as well as funeral directors, professional organizers, hospice, health and death care professionals) to help others through this difficult time.”

Begin Here: helping survivors manage has garnered national attention and earned acclaim as a 2009 Book Award Finalist in the Midwest Independent Publishers Association and a winner in the North American Bookdealers Exchange Fall 2010 Pinnacle Book Achievement Award. A dozen local and national mainstream and industry-specific publications have also recognized the book’s immense value and shared positive reviews and endorsements, including the following:

• Mary Divine, Pioneer Press: “It covers everything from whom to notify at the time of death to how to delegate.”
• Bill Ward, Star Tribune: “A guidebook/workbook covering everything from bills and pills to wills.”
• Kim Stacey, Association of Women Funeral Directors: “I can’t say enough about the value of this book.”

As of this press release, Reed has sold over 1,450 units with no marketing budget, only using Facebook, LinkedIn and her own website and blog to generate interest. Sales are attributed to word of mouth, press coverage and speaking engagements. The book is available on her website (www.HelpingSurvivorsManage.com), select bookstores in Minnesota and New Mexico, and a few online stores. The website also provides online forms and letters at no cost.

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ABOUT THE BOOK

Begin Here: helping survivors: ISBN 978-1-61623-273-3, spiral bound, sturdy soft cover, 52 pages, 7”x9”, $24.00. Order at www.HelpingSurvivorsManage.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kat Reed has more than 25 years experience in the financial/business world. Her background in bookkeeping and office management gives her the unique ability to address both the details and the big picture. She has been a hospice volunteer and has an affinity for the elderly. She became interested in the issues survivors face when both her parents died in a thirteen-month span. Kat lives in Minnesota with her husband and two cats.